HEAVY OF HEART

I don't know why, but I am feeling decidely low in mood tonight. It has grown with me all day, like some nasty, festering boil. I don't know if it is because of my age. Or because I am so unhappy at work. Or because I just don't feel a hundred per cent. Or maybe even eternal optomists get fed-up from time to time? Does anyone else get days like that? Where it takes every ounce of willpower you possess to get out of bed and then you spend the entire day just getting more an more and more stressed out. It is very out of character for me to feel so sorry for myself but in fact I do feel sorry for myself, which is just pathetic.

It is quiet here in my study. Even the cat has deigned to stay down on the sofa, curled up like a monochromatic fluffy cushion - she reminds me of the great big dice that people sometimes hung in their front windscreens(that is going back a bit)when I was young and carefree and felt as if nothing could get in my way. Hubby left for work an hour ago. My brother, who lives in Denmark and who, I have just realised (to my shame), I have never mentioned before ("Bro, these are my Blogspot Buddies, Blogspot Buddies, this is Bro")lifted the mood enormously when we were on the phone half an hour ago. He is the only person in the entire world who can reduce me to a quivering, giggling heap in the space of two minutes and he did so with aplomb tonight! I was literally crying with laughter as he related struggles with his newly installed computer system that brings everything - even English sites - up in Danish and will not let him translate to his native tongue. Luckily, he has lived out there long enough to understand the rudiments of the language - both written and verbal - so I am sure he will cope. He just has this knack of hitting my laughter button and sometimes, when I am feeling like this, he is just the tonic I need!

I have got lots to do. Sarah the Publisher wants the first draft of the third book by 8th March. This will not be a problem. I am going to devote every night next week to getting it finished. She also wants the puzzles and factoids for the second book by the end of February. I have got these - I just need to finalise them and get the drafts over to her soon as poss. To be brutally frank, I will be quite relieved when the series is finished because I am desperate to start on something completely new. It has been a struggle because I never wrote the first book expecting there to be two sequels - if I had known, I may well have expanded the first book in the first place to accommodate them.

Now don't misunderstand me here. The Yucketypoo books have transformed my writing career - and my life - in a way I could never have imagined. I have not earned a penny from it as yet and because the publisher who took it on is small, there have been no big fat advances - no advances of any kind, to be honest, although they have ploughed a huge amount of cash into its production already. I could not possibly have foreseen when the two sequels were commissioned that the books would, of themselves, become a full time job.

That fact, bearing in mind that I also do a full time day job is, I think, what I am finding so completely draining. Which, in turn, lead to days like this when I feel tired, stressed and completely pissed off with everything. I slammed the phone down on the guy I am PA to this afternoon when what he'd called about was not his fault. I very (oh so very) nearly went AWOL at lunchtime because I could not face going back to that office. I grouched at some poor kid on the tram because his bag bumped my shoulder, I lost it with Hubby, who is the world's kindest, most supportive and patient hubby, over something so utterly trivial, I can't even remember what it was and I slammed the lid of my trusty laptop down in rage when I could not connect to the internet earlier. Add to all that the guilt I am now feeling (no wonder Cat chose to stay downstairs this evening, she probably figured she'd be safer) at being such a total Grump all day, and you will see exactly why eternal optomists really can become complete pessimists from time to time.

Oh well, I think that is enough moaning for today. I am very sorry, Dear Blogspot Buddy, if my ramblings have dulled your mood, this evening. Pray excuse the meanderings of a Post Menopausal fifty year old writer who should really (truth be known) know better!!!!